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clare
Posts:952
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| 09/01/2009 12:55 AM |
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| For quite awhile a young man and I have been seeing eachother and got very attached. Because we were doing this behind my parents backs I suffered from lots of stress and guilt and got sicker and sicker. So we 'fessed up. My parents are angry and very very hurt and disappointed. My dad is seeking counsel from our pastor and other men. This has put so much strain on my boyfriend and I. Something seems to be missing from our former relationship. There's severe doubts as to if we really loved eachother or were infatuated. I am almost being forced to choose between my parents or him. I'm not sure really what my queston is, I have so many. How do you know if the one you are dating is the right one? Would breaking up for a month or so be a good choice? Why do we both feel a little empty right now? |
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JoJo
Posts:1670
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| 09/01/2009 3:04 AM |
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ok
well clare, from past experiences and from alot of my own friends also making this mistake...
whenever you have a bf behind your parent's backs, it usually blows up in peoples faces....
I'm not trying to sound down lol 
but normally what I tell girls @ youth or whatever, is that if there's something you can't tell your parents, it's usually something that shouldn't be happening or going on... depending on what it is that you're not telling them...
I've actually told my dad that when a guy asks me out, before I answer him, he has to ask my dad... just cause I respect my dad and his decision, and usually he'll know better then me if the guy is alright...
Us girls have this problem, that we fool ourselves into thinking that this time it's real, and that we're in love... trust me, i've done it countless times and I thank God he's helped me move on from that and refocus on what is really important him...
lol but back to topic...
I don't know if you're a christian... but for me, in the bible it says to honour my parents, so as long as I live under my father's roof, I honour his decisions. I mean, obviously if anyone in authority over you asks you to do something wrong, than by all means, don't do it, but if it's right... then it's probably best to listen about knowing if he's the right one, well none of us are married (out of the young people) and so we don't even really know, but I believe that God will help me realize when the guy is the right one, and I'll just know...
Maybe a break would help both of you step away from the relationship, re-evaluate if you actually do think you still want the relationship, and yeah... but I'd probably listen to my parents, because, even if you don't go out with that guy anymore, for both of you, you have plenty of time left to find the person each of you is meant to be with... it might be each other, but even if it's not. Youll both be fine  and it's better to find that out now than get deeper in the relationship and get hurt more if you have to break up later...
I donno if that makes sense or if I've explained it properly, but yeah... hope that helped |
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Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
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God Bless!
Mwah XOXO
JoJo |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 09/01/2009 7:38 AM |
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That sounds so hard, Clare!! I remember from other posts you saying how strict and everything your parents are.
You say that your dad is looking for counsel from other men; what does your mom think?
I also remember you talking about how much you really really liked this guy, how much fun you guys had together, the things you liked to do. Feeling like you have to choose between your boyfriend or your parents would definitely make me wonder if I loved my bf or not- I mean, they are my parents, so I must love them and have more loyalty to them... but maybe it's time to move on? If you're an adult, you have to be the one to make some decisions. If I felt like I had lost out on a relationship that I really cared about because my parents weren't happy about us going out without telling them, not only would I wonder if I had done the wrong thing by breaking it off (I would wonder if that was a relationship I wanted probably forever) but I would resent them for that.
If you break up for a little while, who would be your main influence? Would your parents become proud that "they know best" and make you feel guilty? (That's a rhetorical question, you don't have to answer that)
I really, really hope things work out for you, girl
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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MyLifeHisWill
Posts:184
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| 09/01/2009 9:43 AM |
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| Clare, I'm very sorry. In the world of Christianity "dating vs courtship" is such a contrversial issue. Which one is "right" is hard to say. Two young people courting could be more "immoral" than two young people dating, however, most "courting" parents believe that it is the "holier" approach and therefore the way God intented it. Honestly, back in the day, girls didn't even have a say - so now for Christian parents to say that courting is the right way, doesn't make much sense. They say dating is lowering the standard, however, courting is lowering the standard since the days of B.C. Jews. And there are different levels of dating. Two Christians can do things God's way and still "date" - yes, just dating and breaking up cuz "oh hes cute" and "oh I'm mad" is foolish. But a relationship based on a good freindship and mutual desire to please God can turn into a beautiful thing. Basically, its very confusing. My parents know whats going on between my boyfriend and I. Transparency is key. I'm not here to judge, trust me, I have seen girls in my church who grew up with parents that were too strict and ended up dating behind thier parents back, and despite the fact it was sinful, i completely understand why. Some parents just are very unrealistic, and even other adults would say that. However, as long as you are under your parent's roof, you are called to honor them. Even if they are crazy and too strict. God doesn't say, "If your parents respect your ideas, then obey them." He just says to always obey them. ANd trust me, from what I've heard from you, your parents are extremely overbearing and unrealistic...but they are your parents. You have an obligation to obey them and honor them. I would suggest apologizing for going behind thier backs. Explain to them, calmly, that you really felt as though you loved this boy, and you realize you were wrong in going behind thier backs. Work to gain back thier trust. And yes, break things off with this boy. Love will conquer all. If this is true love, when you are older you may get the chance to be brought together. Ask your parents if you can try and do things the right way this time. Ask them to forgive you. Come to them in humility. Fighting with them will only cause more problems - expressing your apologies will cause them to respect you. Clare, Im so so so sorry. This really is awful. I feel bad. I dont think loving young is a bad thing - but you must be loyal to your parents. Boys may come and go - but family is forever. Rebellion wont get us anywhere - submission and respect can get us a longggg way. I am praying for you! This is tough. "Trust in Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknolege Him and He shall direct thy paths." Prov. 3:5-6 |
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I don't want to just "live" I want to experience life. |
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clare
Posts:952
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| 09/01/2009 1:35 PM |
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Thanks everyone. Last night things changed. I've been feeling God telling me to break up for awhile and get my focus back on Him, I had peace knowing that's what I needed to do. My boyfriend couldn't understand why I was so relaxed. Then he called me last night and said he understands that peace I'm feeling. He still loves me but it feels like how you would love a sister. He wants us to take a break for awhile and get things right with God. It's going to hurt for awhile but we both still think God wants us together but next time He will be the one doing it not us. And maybe He won't bring us together again...I'll know it's His will.
You all have really good advice and helped me a lot. Thanks!!! |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 09/02/2009 12:09 PM |
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If there's something you can't tell your parents, it's usually something that shouldn't be happening or going on.
I couldn't of said it better myself. I'm so sorry for the situation you're in, but actions have consequences. and I'm speaking from experience here, not judgement! I don't know if you've noticed my recent posts, but a "quick" summary on my "relationship status" in the past 2 years:
became close friends with a kid two years older than me (one year ahead in school) the summer of '07. he started coming to church consistently and got saved, then baptized that fall. I liked him alot, I thought he liked me, found out he didn't. we continued to get closer though, and were "just friends" up until early April '08. then dated from then 'til early July '08. it blew up in our faces, not because I hid anything from anyone, but it clearly wasn't the right time for us. we cut off communication for a good 6-7 months after that (though we attend and are really involved in the same church). we started chatting online and slowly talking in person again in late January of this year. then started hanging out semi-consistently (every couple weeks) around March, then pretty consistently (once a week or more) in the spring, and then very consistently (every other day, at least) throughout this summer. finally, after dropping massive hints for a few days in a row, he confessed in early July that he'd liked me since this January. I still liked him, really never stopped these past 2 years (and told him so). and now, he's away on missions in Taiwan for the next 15 straight months. YAY! haha... that was sarcasm.
you're probably wondering my point in telling you all that. "that's all well and good, Emily... what the heck does it have to do with me?" I just want to tell you that God is GOOD. and He works all things for GOOD. if you would've told me a year ago today that I would seriously be thinking about getting into a serious relationship with my ex-boyfriend AGAIN after he gets back from missions, I would've laughed you out of the room! but God is amazing. sure, nothing is absolute. I don't have a promise ring from my "guy" or anything like that. but I trust him and I trust Jesus. I know exactly how you feel right now, I really do. it sucks, I know it does. and it seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but there will be.
...For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. - Phil. 4:11(b)-12
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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JoJo
Posts:1670
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| 09/02/2009 6:03 PM |
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I just felt I needed to say this... "Clare, I'm so glad you're a Christian and are taking a great step with God right now!
sorry, like Emily said, I wasn't either trying to be judgemental... I was just speaking from past experience... lol we have 1 year difference between us (you're 19 right?) and gosh, there have been so many thing's I've gone through in 2 decades that no girl should have to go through, let alone more than a few of them but yes.... sorry I'm half asleep hehe just woke up
but yes... 95% of the advice I give is out of personal experience... I've made so many posts I don't think you wanna read them all but I've writtten alot about me also going through the same stuff as you
O.K. I donno why I wrote all this... I'm sleepy and I don't actually get why I wrote it hehe
Oh well, hopefully there's something helpful in it hehe
K I'll stop writing now |
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Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
God Bless!
Mwah XOXO
JoJo |
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clare
Posts:952
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| 09/12/2009 7:25 PM |
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| I think every post I have ever written was depressing...guess I kinda am! Soo I'm in some hot tamalies with my parents and I'm trying to do right. I'm meeting regularly with my pastor's wife and by boyfriend (I don't think he's and ex yet) is meeting with our pastor. It's coming down to two chioces...be disowned by my parents in choosing my boyfriend, or I can break up with him and still be in the bad outs with my family and be forced out of the house. I'm so frusterated, it seems I can't ever do anything right. Ol I'm sorry I put this stuff on for everyone to read. No one is obligated to say anything. I think I'm coming through clear...that I'm overwhelmed... |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 09/12/2009 9:13 PM |
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| I just wanted to say that I'm praying for things to work out for you, Clare. I'm sure they will, but in the midst of it is always the worst. |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 09/13/2009 12:15 AM |
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The Bible says to honor your parents. I assume from what you've written that you're still in school. Therefore, you don't really have a choice as to who to pick - it's your parents.
If this is "the guy," then breaking up for now and respecting your parents will not stop you from being together... later on, when the time is right.
If you have to go against your parents' wishes, it's not God's will. At least not right now.
Julie
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 09/13/2009 9:16 AM |
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I don't know, I'm not sure that parent's really always fully know or follow God's will themselves. Sometimes they- like every other human ever- get so caught up in their own view of something that they don't really step back and say "hmm, maybe my point of view on this is making me biased."
I don't know that "honor" means "always obeying," but "being respectful." Parent's usually do want what's best for their kids, which is why they tell us not to drink and set curfews and all that stuff. But they are only human, after all, and can only do what they think is best for us =] |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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clare
Posts:952
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| 09/14/2009 1:15 PM |
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| I agree Adelynn, parents make mistakes too. I'm trying to honor them. If they are'nt perfect why expect me to be?? Not saying I'm doing everything I can to do wrong! I am actually 19 and work away from home and am only home 3 days of the week... |
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Scifi
Posts:68
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| 09/17/2009 4:17 PM |
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Right. I haven't been on in a while but I've read thru this whole convo...
Adelynn, while parents are human, I'm pretty sure there are some translations of the bible that actually say obey your parents rather than honour. But then again, isn't obeying them a form of honouring them?
This reminds me of a quote (I may have editied it a bit but...) "You can pick who you are, you can pick who your friends are, but you can't pick who your family are."
I think that you should respect your parents wishes (and obey them) but if they seem to be contradictory to what God is telling you then have a serious think. I know that a lot of the time my parents tell me to study when I'd rather be listening to Christian music or reading my Bible etc.... I don't know what to do in that kind of situation either.
Late last year I broke up with my 2nd last girlfriend (well maybe last if you don't count a 4 day time with another girl lol) with the words "Maybe we can get back together when we are older." As yet, that hasn't happened, and since then, she's completely fallen away from her previous hardcore Christianity. She thinks maybe God was telling me to break up with her cos she was soojn going to "break up" with him... I'm still trying to get her back to God but she's had a series of failed relationships since me and has become depressed and anorexic... Not the best situation. I've tried to bring her to youth group etc but that isn't working cos she doesn't want to.
The point of that last paragraph was to say if you brek up with someone you might never get back, as thing happen and you drift apart.
However personally I'd agree with Julie:
("If this is "the guy," then breaking up for now and respecting your parents will not stop you from being together... later on, when the time is right.")
If you really love this guy, and he really loves you, that love will last across a few weeks/months of being apart.
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"The purpose of Christianity is not to avoid difficulty, but to produce a character adequate to meet it when it comes. It does not make life easy; rather it tries to make us great enough for life." -- James L. Christensen
"For a small reward, a man will hurry away on a long journey; while for eternal life, many will hardly take a single step." Thomas a' Kempis (1380-1471)
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Scifi |
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Scifi
Posts:68
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| 09/17/2009 4:17 PM |
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Right. I haven't been on in a while but I've read thru this whole convo...
Adelynn, while parents are human, I'm pretty sure there are some translations of the bible that actually say obey your parents rather than honour. But then again, isn't obeying them a form of honouring them?
This reminds me of a quote (I may have editied it a bit but...) "You can pick who you are, you can pick who your friends are, but you can't pick who your family are."
I think that you should respect your parents wishes (and obey them) but if they seem to be contradictory to what God is telling you then have a serious think. I know that a lot of the time my parents tell me to study when I'd rather be listening to Christian music or reading my Bible etc.... I don't know what to do in that kind of situation either.
Late last year I broke up with my 2nd last girlfriend (well maybe last if you don't count a 4 day time with another girl lol) with the words "Maybe we can get back together when we are older." As yet, that hasn't happened, and since then, she's completely fallen away from her previous hardcore Christianity. She thinks maybe God was telling me to break up with her cos she was soojn going to "break up" with him... I'm still trying to get her back to God but she's had a series of failed relationships since me and has become depressed and anorexic... Not the best situation. I've tried to bring her to youth group etc but that isn't working cos she doesn't want to.
The point of that last paragraph was to say if you brek up with someone you might never get back, as thing happen and you drift apart.
However personally I'd agree with Julie:
("If this is "the guy," then breaking up for now and respecting your parents will not stop you from being together... later on, when the time is right.")
If you really love this guy, and he really loves you, that love will last across a few weeks/months of being apart.
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"The purpose of Christianity is not to avoid difficulty, but to produce a character adequate to meet it when it comes. It does not make life easy; rather it tries to make us great enough for life." -- James L. Christensen
"For a small reward, a man will hurry away on a long journey; while for eternal life, many will hardly take a single step." Thomas a' Kempis (1380-1471)
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Scifi |
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Scifi
Posts:68
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| 09/17/2009 4:18 PM |
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| Oh bugger I sent that twice lol |
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"The purpose of Christianity is not to avoid difficulty, but to produce a character adequate to meet it when it comes. It does not make life easy; rather it tries to make us great enough for life." -- James L. Christensen
"For a small reward, a man will hurry away on a long journey; while for eternal life, many will hardly take a single step." Thomas a' Kempis (1380-1471)
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Scifi |
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clare
Posts:952
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| 09/17/2009 4:28 PM |
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| hmmm...thanks. I think I need will power! |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 09/17/2009 5:24 PM |
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I'm not sure that parents really always fully know or follow God's will themselves.
of course not! but...
What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. - Romans 6:1-4
If you have to go against your parents' wishes, it's not God's will. At least not right now.
yup. |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 09/17/2009 6:10 PM |
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Yes, some versions do say that. Many versions also say "my son" instead of "my children," but that doesn't mean that only males are God's children. So far, I've found the New Living Translation to be most accurate in it's interpretation of the original texts, and it definitely says "Honor your father and mother..." (Exodus 20.12) In many cases, honoring does equal obeying. But what if who you are supposed to be obeying is wrong? We are supposed to respect the authority's (governments) in place (Romans 13.1), but if there is another Holocaust, will you obey?
I'm certainly not saying that this situation is like the Holocaust, I'm only using it as an extreme example that not everyone in authority (unfortunately, including parents... it would be so much easier if they just had all the true answers) really knows God's will, which is the ultimate authority.
I like that quote- and I have a question. I'm not disagreeing, this is just another thing to ponder: Do you believe that God has placed you in a situation and around certain people for a reason, either to learn or teach or both? There is a reason you know who you know. Well, what about your family? There must be a reason we are who we are in the families God gave us.
About your ex... It's great that you are trying to be there for her. Just remember that we are called to be light, we are even called to "go and make disciples of all the nations," (Matt. 28.19) but we can't save anyone. Only God can save someone (Eph. 1.13, John 3.27, Heb. 7.25... no where does it say that we can save ourselves). We really just have to follow God in our own lives and live by the most important commandments, to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Matt. 22.37-38) Everything else should just follow naturally. Because if you truly love and care about someone, you wouldn't force them into anything. You will just love on them and care about them. And that is what God wants us to do for each other. |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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MyLifeHisWill
Posts:184
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| 09/28/2009 3:31 PM |
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| If we cant save ourselves, we certainly cant save anyone else. |
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I don't want to just "live" I want to experience life. |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 10/27/2009 10:41 PM |
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| What are some things you all do to keep focused on God, instead of guys, job, school... all that...? Are there any fun things you do with your friends or anything, on days when it's really really hard? |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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